Parents as Coaches | Transforming Family Relationships

Co-Parenting and Teenagers Continued

Written by Nicole Nenninger Tuesday, 28 June 2011 11:12

The teenage years can be challenging, especially with the added complexity of an ex as a co-parent, but they don’t have to be.  Set aside some time with your teen to talk about the rules of your home and your expectations.  Your ex may have different rules, but in your home, set your own rules.  If you and your ex are on amicable terms, try to have the same rules in both houses.  Let your teen (and your ex if you are amicable) know what is appropriate behavior and what is not.  For example, no cursing, name-calling, sarcasm, raising your voice, getting physically violent, or eye-rolling.  Teach them it’s okay to be angry or frustrated but it is not okay to act inappropriately on those feelings (that goes for you, too).  Teach them to tell you when they need to take a time out, time where they can diffuse some of the intense emotions they might be feeling.  You can come back to the argument after they have time to cool off.  You, the parent, can also ask for a time out.  Tell your child you’re feeling angry and need a few minutes to get grounded.

As a parent, you are your child’s first role model.  If a disagreement starts to get out of hand, you have a choice:  You can escalate it by becoming more activated which elevates the conflict, or you can remain neutral and in control.  If you always seem to fight about the same issue, try to break the pattern by saying something out of the ordinary when they try to bait you.  ”Gee, did you know you have beautiful eyes?” will catch them off-guard.  Don’t get hooked into the argument, change it by changing your responses.

Set up repercussions and consequences ahead of time.  If they do not obey curfew, they will know beforehand what will happen.  Arguments can be avoided because they will be aware of the consequences.  ”You know the rules, Junior, curfew is at 12 and it is 1.  No going out tomorrow night.”  And, be consistent and back it up.  Teenagers want more freedom so it is important to recognize this as a parent.  Listen to their opinions and reflect on whether you can compromise in the future.  Allow them opportunities to prove they are trustworthy.  Show them that they have the ability to come up with solutions to their issues.  Empower them by allowing them numerous opportunities to succeed.  Someone once said that the biggest piece of advice they could give about raising teens is to learn how to forgive and forget quickly.  Create a vision of having a positive, happy, and healthy environment for your family.  If you feel you are battling a lot with your teen, take some time to assess what you would like from them.  Is it respect, a positive attitude, or more effort?  Do they want more freedom?  Listen to their needs and let them know yours.

Having disagreements with teenagers is normal.  Fighting allows children to experience some really strong emotions while simultaneously learning how to manage them and remain respectful.  In intact homes, most children learn to work it out with both parents.  They have to; there is nowhere else to go!  They learn to work through their anger and disappointment and frustration instead of bailing out with the help of a “rescuing parent.” When the argument is over, teach them how to recover, how to forgive and forget, afterwards.  Tell them you love them and apologize if you lost control.  Learning how to fight fairly is a wonderful skill to pass on to your children.

When it comes to co-parenting with an ex, parenting a teen can be more complex.  I know of so many parents who worry about the consequences of their own actionsafter they give their children repercussions because they are worried about how the ex is going to respond; that the ex will exploit this to their own advantage.  Many parents are scared to provide structure, boundaries, and consequences to their children because their ex will exploit it and allow their teen to live with them when the teen complains.  Some parents view parenting as a popularity contest with the child, and deliberately do not set limits because they don’t want to be the “bad guy.” That doesn’t serve anyone’s needs except for the teen who learns that the world revolves around them.  Then, when they get out into the real world–smack!  Reality hits them right in the face! You mean my boss will fire me if I walk out on them?  Now who is going to pay for all the vacations, clothing, and toys I’ve gotten?  I tell parents that they cannot worry about what their ex does, all they can control is their own behaviors.  Teenagers need structure and especially consequences to their negative behaviors.  You don’t want to look back on this time of their life and regret that you did not have rules in place or enforce them because you were afraid your ex would exploit it.  There are so many parental alienation cases which begin to develop in the middle school years because that is the time when children naturally begin to assert their independence (Katherine Andre and Amy Baker have written about this in their pamphlet “I Don’t Want to Choose:  How Middle School Kids Can Avoid Choosing One Parent Over the Other“).  As they “butt heads” with their parents, exes take advantage of this and exploit the situation for their own gain.  They may say: “I’ll be right around the corner if you need me” or “You don’t have to go to Dad’s/Mom’s.”  They see an opportunity to be a “good guy” or to exact revenge toward the ex, not even caring about the child’s well-being or maybe they can’t stand that their child is feeling discomfort.  Some teens are living their dream lives:  no chores, no supervision, no conflict…How does this help the teen?  It doesn’t.  They learn to avoid conflict instead of dealing with it.  They learn they have more power than the targeted parent as they begin to dictate the schedule.  They learn that when they complain, they can be rescued, the precursor to learned helplessness.  No parent wants their child to be a victim when they grow up, but that is what they are teaching them.  I always wonder how the alienator would like it if they were in the targeted parents’ shoes.  Wouldn’t feel so great for them if the tables were turned, but one of the largest common denominators of alienators is that they are narcissistic, meaning they couldn’t put themselves in another’s shoes anyway because they can’t.  By now, if you are familiar with my writing and articles, you will know I am passionate about parental alienation.  I did not know what it was a couple years ago, but it showed itself in my life.  I was fortunate—I have access to some top-notch professional journals for law and psychology.  I educated myself and I believe the only way to stop PA and PAS is to educate others on what it is.  It is real, it is emotional abuse to our children, and with more and more divorces, it has to stop before we raise an entire generation of kids who grow up with low self-esteem, depression, severed relationships not just with their alienated parents but with other family members and eventually other close relationships like with their own partners or children when they grow up.  You don’t walk out on significant relationships. You don’t teach children that they have to choose sides or parents.  We don’t choose them, why on earth do we allow children to choose between parents?  The answer is we don’t.  The alienator does.

Co-parenting a teenager can be tough not just because of your child but because of an ex,too.  It is rewarding if you set up a structure, are consistent, fair-minded, respectful, neutral and non-reactive, and follow through on repercussions.  Your job as a parent is to raise a happy and healthy child and to be a part of a happy and healthy family.  And, your job is to teach them the skills they need in order to be competent and responsible adults.  Learning how to disagree is a skill just like learning respectful manners is or how putting in good effort leads to self-esteem.  These skills enable a person to live a good life.  Disagreements have to be worked out in a respectful manner, not by running away from them or by avoiding them.  It does not have to be confrontational or scary, it is a learning opportunity for both the parents where they can learn more about their teen and for the teen as they learn how to handle emotions, and converse in a respectful and intelligent manner.