Parents as Coaches | Transforming Family Relationships

Co-Parenting and Teenagers

Last Updated on Sunday, 13 November 2011 19:17 Written by Nicole Nenninger Tuesday, 28 June 2011 10:58

When I read parenting articles in magazines and professional journals, there’s often good advice in them.  However, if you are a co-parent, a step-parent, or a single parent, these articles are often missing some key pieces of information.  With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce and millions of our children now living in nontraditional households, it makes sense to write more parenting articles that focus not only on traditional two-parent homes, but on the nontraditional families as well.

As a step-parent and co-parent, I like reading parenting articles.  As a parenting expert who has spent thousands of hours on research articles in psychology for my graduate degree as well as being the mother of biological and step-children, three of them teens, I am always curious to see what the latest “expert” has to say.  I am often astounded how they focus on intact families, when more and more nontraditional families are becoming the norm.  My own experience is often different from the articles and I don’t think that many step- and co-parents out there would agree that there are one-size-fits-all articles on parenting, except when the article is written expressly for our genre.  There could be a multitude of parenting figures in the mix, personalities, and more than one parenting style in more than one house.  If you are a single parent, you are dealing with the additionalstress of having to parent alone.  Worn down, it is hard to parent effectively when it’s all you can do to make it until bedtime.

Teenagers present many challenges for parents because they are learning to assert their independence.  They still need guidance.  A lot of guidance.  I recently read a great article on dealing with teens, except the parenting advice was targeted toward intact families.  The article left many questions unanswered:

• How should a step-parent handle their teenage step-children?
• What if an ex disagrees with what a step-parent does?
• What if an ex parents differently than you do?
• What do you do when you are butting heads with your teen, a normal developmental process, but an ex exploits the opportunity and allows the child to choose to live with them and avoid the process of working through arguments, discipline, repercussions, and the like?
• What do you do when an ex exploits the situation to get back at their ex-partner or has nothing else going on in their lives so they take advantage of the “rough spots” that are so normal during the teenage years?

An ex may see it as “rescuing” and what a great way to become a hero after a divorce, but what they are really doing is allowing their children to miss out on key developmental processes.  Conflict is a natural part of life.  Kids need to know how to deal with it now so that they can in turn learn how to deal with conflict in the future with their friends, co-workers, spouses, and even their own kids some day.  What parents teach them now will be their model for later in life.

Fighting, having arguments, or heated discussions with parents are common behaviors during adolescence.  Keep in mind that teens are still developing their prefrontal cortexes, a key area for rational thinking.  They are also inundated with hormonal activity which throws them into moods this way and that.  Often, they are not governed by reason, but by biology.  Learning how to have disagreements is a fundamental process of growing up and maturity.  As a teenager “butts heads” with their parents, they learn how to work things out.  In intact homes, the teen has to work it out because where are they going to go?  When they live in separate homes, it becomes more complicated.

Children get their best lessons at home.  If they do not learn how to deal with intense emotions and conflict, they learn ineffective coping behaviors which include repeating the running away behavior or learned helplessness until they get the lesson.  Some may never get it.  In nontraditional homes, it is becoming common for children who disagree with one parent, for the other parent to swoop in and rescue them because of their own guilt or inadequacies.  Some cannot take that their child is experiencing discomfort (and by discomfort, I mean the child doesn’t like that the other parent has rules or repercussions or chores or that the parent confronts them over issues that are occurring instead of sweeping them under the rug).  A child who does not learn how to resolve conflict, learns to flee from it and they also take on a victim role wanting others to rescue them.  If a parent is a rescuer they are doing the teen a huge disservice.   I hear a lot of parents say “But my child doesn’t want to go over to his/her dad’s/mom’s.”  My answer:  ”Too bad!”  You make them go to school and the doctor’s and their activities and church, why not the other parent’s?  Children need both parents in their lives.

If children spend their time in more than one home, allow your ex to parent in their own way.  Pick your battles.  If you feel your ex is in some way harming the child whether physically, emotionally, or psychologically, and their safety is an issue then bring it up to your ex.  If you are amicable with your ex, you can work together.  If your relationship with your ex is not so great, respect goes a long way.  Respect their way of parenting and ask that they respect yours.

If there is a step-parent involved, don’t make them end up being the bad guy, especially in the beginning, by having them participate in most of the conflicts.  If a step-parent encounters negative behavior, bring it up to your partner and have them address it.  Children naturally listen to their biological parents more than they will to a step-parent, at least in the beginning.  As time goes on and the family has more time to bond, then it will be more appropriate and effective for a step-parent to participate.  If a step-parent is feeling frustrated with the way their partner parents, discuss it.  Come to an agreement of what the rules and repercussions will be in the household.  With approximately two-thirds of 2nd marriages ending in divorce, and a majority of them because of arguments over children, it is imperative that there is a consensus about parenting between the partners so the arguments do not turn into the demise of your marriage.

What if an ex disagrees with the way a step-parent parents?  I am a big proponent of allowing and respecting anothers’ way of doing things.   A disclaimer though, has to be inserted.  If there is a question of safety, then by all means bring it up.  Otherwise, if you have an issue with your ex’s new spouse, check in with yourself to see if they aren’t bringing something up for you besides their way of parenting.  Are you angry or jealous that your spouse remarried, or that they are happy, or that someone else is raising your child for part of the time?  Reflect on whether your feelings about them as a parent are confused with some of your own unresolved feelings.  If you are amicable with your ex (and I give you a lot of credit for that), then you may be able to come to a consensus so that your parenting is congruent with theirs and vice versa so that the children have an easier time transitioning from one home to another.

This article on co-parenting and teenagers will be continued.