Parents as Coaches | Transforming Family Relationships

Co-Parenting and Transition Times

Last Updated on Sunday, 13 November 2011 19:24 Written by Nicole Nenninger Tuesday, 28 June 2011 10:53

Co-parenting is not easy, especially if you have a strained relationship with your ex.  The benefits of co-parenting however, of having a good relationship with your ex, far outweigh the negatives.  Children want their parents to get along.  They need good role models—parents who model respect and healthy problem-solving.  Children also need a sense of consistency, stability, and security from their parents which they will get if parents can learn to co-parent together with the sole focus of raising happy and healthy kids.

Transition times, the times centering around pick-up and drop-off, can be hard on everyone, especially the children.  This can be one of the more emotional and disruptive times during a child’s life of going from one home to another.  To make this time go more smoothly for your child, consider the following:

• After the transition, allow time for the child to “decompress” or get acclimated.  Keep things low-key.  Read a book with your child or play a special video game.  In our home we have a special ritual of baking.  Sometimes the child may need a little space to get reacquainted with their surroundings.  Ask them what they need if you aren’t sure.
• Have a ritual that takes place every time they come back.  Bake, read, go to the library, take a walk, play a video game; find something that fits the needs of the child that becomes part of a routine and that the child looks forward to.
• During the transition times of going to or leaving from the houses, don’t use this time to bring up serious issues.  Your child may not get the closure they need to finish the discussion, and they will begin to associate these times with negative emotions and you.  Leave the “heavy” discussions when it is more appropriate.  You’ll know when to bring it up.
• Likewise, parents, do not use these times to bring up your issues with the other adult in front of the child(ren).
• Don’t name houses “Mom’s house” and “Dad’s house.”  Name them according to the color, the street, the town, or whatever name you can think of that makes sense.
• Don’t tell your children as they are leaving, that if they need you you’ll be there around the corner or anytime they are having an issue with the other parent, you’ll come get them.  Allow them to work out their issues with the parent they are having the issues with.

There are many complexities involved with co-parenting.  As if parenting was hard enough, now you have to take into account two households for your children, perhaps two new partners in the mix, and two differences in parenting that must be worked out together in a spirit of good-will.  Co-parenting’s sole focus is that of raising a happy and healthy child, not taking care of the adult’s need to vent, to seek revenge, to make demands, or any other damaging behavior that has negative consequences for the child.  If you have a hard time dealing with your ex, think of it as a business relationship.  Keep it cordial, respectful, and keep your focus on the company’s work—your child(ren).  Model what it is like to have a healthy relationship as co-parents.  That is one of the best gifts you can give to your children.

If you are having difficulty getting along with your ex, consider going to counseling with them.  Having a neutral party like a therapist to help you bring the focus back to co-parenting is well worth the investment.  Of course, if you have an abusive ex, then you have to put up strict boundaries.  Talk with a counselor or a domestic abuse coordinator about things you can do to protect yourself while still maintaining some semblance of a co-parenting relationship.  There are some parents who use “abuse” as an excuse not to have a co-parenting relationship.  I am thinking in particular of an alienating parent who refuses to go to therapy to address the alienation occurring in the home.  They will not go because they know what they are doing is wrong.

Transition times are often a time of high intensity and emotion.  There are many ways you can make it go more smoothly.  Find out what works best for you and your child, because you know them the best.   Keep the focus on your child and what their needs are.  With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, there are literally millions of children who live in two different homes.  In order to raise a generation of happy and healthy children in an age of break-ups, we need to find positive and empowering ways to help our children acclimate to their new lives.  Don’t let them become part of your drama.  Make the transition time, of pick-ups and drop-offs, as smooth as possible for them.

**For a great article on dealing with hostile and aggressive ex’s who are also co-parents, go here.

**Divorce coaching is a great way to improve the quality of your life not just as a person, but as a parent as well.  You are a whole being, with many roles and responsibilities in life.  While going through a divorce or separation, you may find yourself inundated with the amount of stress that the break-up has caused.  If you feel lost, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, or angry about where you are in life because of divorce, contact me ( This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ) about whether divorce coaching is right for you.  Or, purchase my books, Transforming Divorce – How to Get Back on Track and Create a Life You Love and the Transforming Divorce Workbook. Find a way to deal with the feelings and emotions that divorce brings up in a healthy and empowering way.  Become a positive role model for others so that when your friends or family members think of overcoming a difficult challenge such as divorce, they will think of your grace, your courage, and your ability to create a wonderful life because of the opportunity that divorce gave to you.