Parents as Coaches | Transforming Family Relationships

Parental Alienation - Dealing with the Intensity of Emotions

Written by Nicole Nenninger Tuesday, 28 June 2011 11:16

Since I have become actively involved in Parental Alienation, I have come across a wide variety of alienated parents.  The symptoms and the situations vary, as well as the reactions.   It is a very dis-empowering feeling to be alienated from a child.  You feel angry, sad, grievous even, frustrated, powerless, hopeless, and disgusted sometimes at how your child, a child you once had a loving relationship with, can treat you.  And you never have the chance to work things out because they hang up, they don’t want anything to do with you, they won’t go to therapy, and the ex won’t enforce the custody decree that was signed by both parents in a legally binding document.  Your kid might falsely accuse you of abuse, swear at you (with the ex in the background – think they’d let that child do that to another adult?  Think how torn that child feels when they hang up knowing they’ve treated their other parent that way.  This creates a dissonance in them that can cause low self-esteem and depression because they know it isn’t right but an adult, their parent, is saying it is -even if that parent doesn’t say a word), or they call you names or insults you know are coming straight from the ex (but the child insists it is their thoughts).  I have seen enough hurt reactions to know that there are thousands of alienated parents who feel helpless, hopeless, and powerless to do something.  One thing I know for sure:  Don’t give up; keep loving your child.  They need a healthy role model in their lives for when or if they finally become free from the disparagement and programming an alienator does to them.

My research continues to point toward a major theme, a commonality that most alienators share.  Most alienators have a personality disorder, something that does not allow them to see the destruction that they are doing or to put themselves in another’s shoes.  This means that a targeted parent is dealing with someone who is essentially like a drunk person.  They aren’t going to get it.  They are going to ignore the custody orders, deny paternity, call CPS or file false claims, move without telling you, say horrific and untrue things about you to your child and to others, teach your child to say those hurtful words to you, and you have to learn how to effectively deal with these things without losing your love for your child.  Because it really isn’t your child speaking for themselves even though they profess to know how horrific you are – it is your ex working behind the scenes in an exploitative manner to taint their childhood forever.

I see so many parents who are hurting and these feelings should not be denied.  It is an awful experience to live through (I wonder if the tables were turned how the alienator would feel, but again, they do not have this ability to see the damage being done or hurt caused.  They feel they must “protect” the child from a “bad” parent).  If you find yourself feeling intensely angry and you are having difficulty processing it, check in with yourself and see if you need to start seeing a therapist.   You may feel powerless, but you have control over your thoughts and your reactions. This is where you can regain some of your power back.  How can you make the best of the situation?  Yes, I understand the loss involved, but how are you going to process this loss in a healthy manner?  You can educate yourself, one of the best ways to become empowered.  You can read articles on how to proactively deal with PAS.  You can communicate with your ex in a nonreactive manner, because giving any fuel to the fire is nonproductive.  Remember, you are dealing with someone who is “off” and I can make that statement because alienating behavior is not natural or healthy.  You can also deal with your child in a nonreactive manner, confronting the lies in a contextually appropriate manner, maintaining contact if you can, and always letting them know you love them.  Never expect an explanation or apology from them.

I wrote this article after going to a forum this morning on PAS and seeing a really angry post from an obviously hurting father.  I know so many of you are hurting. I know that the alienators aren’t going to read this and say “Wow!  She’s right!  I should stop doing this!  I love my child and never want to hurt them!  Let me stop right now and apologize!”  Instead, it is the alienated parents who read these articles, looking for relief from their intense emotions or answers to their questions about what PAS is.  We aren’t going to solve PAS by misdirecting our anger.  Instead, we have to become better educated about PAS.  As parents, we have to be the healthy role models, the steady and nonreactive ones, always loving our children no matter what.  We don’t have to take what they say and ignore it.  Tell them the truth when they assert the lies, let them know who you are by being consistent – in love, in truth, in nonreactive behavior.   Some parts of life are always going to be out of your control, but – and here’s the great part – some aren’t.  You can control your reactions and your thoughts.  You are not powerless.  You may not be able to control what is going on in the alienator’s world, but you certainly can control what is going on in yours.

Over 1% of children are alienated from their parents, but I think that statistic is higher.   Approximately 740,000 children in the U.S. are alienated – that’s 740,000 parents-at least-who can have a voice about what is going on.  We have to keep strong by supporting one another, educating ourselves, and proactively directing our intense emotions into positive solutions.  It doesn’t serve anyone if we “stew” in our anger and frustration- or direct it mean-spiritedly toward our alienated child; channel it into something good, join a support group, or get a therapist to help with the process.

I recommend the following links to start on your journey of PAS education:

Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation 2

Dr. Richard Warshak’s Alienation:  Divorce Poison Control Center

Douglas Darnall’s website

Parental Alienation Awareness Organization

Article on When a Child Rejects a Parent by Friedlander  & Walters

Article on MMPI-2 Testing as it May Apply to Alienators

DivorceSource.com’s page on PAS