Parents as Coaches | Transforming Family Relationships

Parental Alienation Part 2

Last Updated on Sunday, 13 November 2011 19:27 Written by Nicole Nenninger Tuesday, 28 June 2011 10:50

The favored parent’s negative influence is the most obvious ingredient in cases where children unreasonably reject a parent (Warshak, November 23, 2010, ¶ 2).

The first article on parental alienation (PA) (click here to read it) defined PA using the definition given by the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization and Richard Gardner’s eight criteria.  It is important to note that Gardner’s eight criteria focuses on the child’s behaviors, not on the alienated or alienating parents’ behaviors.  These behaviors and the alienation can be mild, moderate, or severe, depending upon how many behaviors or symptoms are exhibited by the child.

Amy Baker, along with Douglas Darnall, Richard Warshak and a hand full of others,  is one of today’s best known experts in parental alienation.  Elaborating on Gardner’s research, Baker (2006) noticed five important distinctions co-existing within the parameters of Gardner’s eight criteria in her work with alienated families. The first was the co-existence of the maltreatment of a child, alcoholism, and/or personality disorders of the alienating parent. For example, narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder has been associated with parental alienators (Baum & Shnit, 2005; Summers & Summers, 2006).  Narcissists are more deceptive and are self-oriented instead of being more focused on the child.  They may feel wounded because of the break-up and instead of healing their wounds, will use the alignment of a child as an act of revenge.  Narcissists will arrogantly disregard custody visitation orders, emphasizing their own ability to oversee the visitation schedule.  They, and many times the alienated child, determine when they will visit, if the child visits at all.  Unfortunately, many parents do not have the money to address the violation of custody orders in court. The child also may have gotten to be of an age where the court recognizes them as able to make up their own mind while not understanding the child may have been brainwashed due to PA.  (Despite some people’s claims that more women than men tend to be the alienators, I disagree.  I think both men and women are equally represented in the numbers for PA, but women, earning less than men generally (especially after a divorce), may not seek legal or psychological counsel for the alienation because they cannot afford it.  There may also be other contributing factors such as the self-preservation of a parent who finds themselves in an abusive situation.  There is not enough current research to fully support the claim that more women than men are alienators.  Historically though, it was thought that women, having to share custody with men, mourned the loss of their children. Instead of grieving and working through their feelings, they turned their behavior into exacting revenge).

Baker’s second finding was that parental alienation sometimes occurred in intact families as well as in divorcing and divorced families. Both Baker (2006) and Mone & Biringen (2006) found this to be true in their research on parental alienation.  Surprising isn’t it?  Parental alignment can occur in homes that have two parents.  Instead of working together as a couple to solve their relationship issues, one partner instead enlists their child as the “spousal stand-in” and uses them for their own needs.  This dysfunctional way of relating (which happens with exes and with couples who are together) damages the child and the targeted parent for the rest of their lives—unless they get professional help to stop this pattern of abuse.

The third finding Baker (2006) found was that parental alienation did not occur within some of the families embroiled in post-divorce litigation.  Some people may not have the money to pursue continued legal action.  Some may, instead of initiating revenge through the court system, exact it through PA.  Generally, people who use the court system as a way to manipulate and intimidate their exes after divorce are often found to be alienators.  When someone goes out of their way to hurt someone over and over and cannot find relief through the court system, they will try to get back at their ex by alienating their child, the ultimate revenge.  Couples who are “at each others’ throats” after the divorce proceedings are indicative of one or both of the parents having a hard time letting go (and also an indication of narcissism in one or both parents because of the inability to self-differentiate after the marriage was over.  Self-differentiation occurs after a break-up when a person learns to move on from the role of spouse to one of co-parent when relating to their ex).

Fourth, the target parent also may play a role in becoming the alienated parent.  How the target parent behaves toward the child can be a crucial element as to how that child relates to them (Baker, 2006).  If the target parent, hurt by what has happened, chooses to leave the relationship behind, the child may be hurt by feelings of abandonment.  This further allows the alienating parent the chance to tell the child that they were right; the other parent never cared about them.  Also, the targeted parent may demand an apology from the child or their ex which may never happen.  The need for an apology or for expectations that are unmet can lead to an unconscious way of relating to the child and to the alienating parent that may in fact create more alienation.

The final finding was that no matter how vilified a parent was, the alienated child still retained some good feelings about the target parent.  This is great news!  No matter how “brainwashed” a child is, the targeted parent is still their mother/father.  That will always mean something to them.  At some point, if the child reaches a certain maturity level, is able to become less enmeshed with the alienating parent, or spends more time away from them, they will begin to see for themselves what happened.  Sometimes however, this is not the case.

Baker & Darnall (2006) also found that there were many subtle and not-so-subtle behaviors undertaken by the alienating parent which served to alienate the child.  For a more detailed list of these behaviors, visit these websites:  Douglas Darnall and Stop Parental Alienation of Children,  These alienating actions include:

• badmouthing the other parent
• limiting time spent with them
• interfering with the child’s counseling
• having a child keep secrets
• forcing a child to express their loyalty
• changing a child’s name
• using the child as a messenger
• rewarding the child for rejecting the parent
• letting the child choose whether they want to visit

Badmouthing the other parent is not unusual in the early days and weeks of a break-up.  It is not healthy, but many parents do it without even thinking.  Eventually, for many parents, this behavior subsides as the pain of the break-up is worked through.  It is important to note that when you are badmouthing a child’s parent, you are essentially badmouthing a part of the other parent in the child; that child is a product of both parents.  To have a parent badmouth aspects of the other parent is to reject those parts of the child.  It is especially harmful if the targeted parent and child are of the same sex.  DON’T DO IT!  Recognize that the child has a separate experience of that parent from that of your own.  Their experience is not of their dad or their mom being a jerk and filing false claims against them or not parenting right or losing in court.  Their experience is that of being a kid with their parent.  They really don’t want to hear the bad stuff.  They may be curious, but save it for the therapist, family members, or friends.  I know of one father who constantly texted his daughter about ten to twenty times a day—even when she was in school.  He would text her things like “Your mother is a retard!” and “We won!” after a court session with the mother.   One mother told her son they had to move because their dad did not pay child support.  Kids do not need to know that.  Use discretion when talking with your children about your ex.  Put yourself in your partner’s shoes or in your child’s shoes and imagine what they might feel (narcissists do not have this ability).

Another example of alienating behavior is letting a child choose whether they want to visit.  Children are going to get into conflicts with their parents, especially if they are teenagers.  It is a natural part of development and one that should be worked out with the parent who the child is having a conflict with.  Otherwise, with an alienating parent, they are effectively short-circuiting the process of the teenager or the child maintaining meaningful and important relationships with adults.  It gives the child more power than the parent which undermines the other/targeted parent’s power.  Parents make their child go to the doctor’s, the dentist’s, school, practice, etc., why do alienators not enforce the child going to the other parent’s home?

In one case, I know of a father who met the mother in a diner under the guise of talking about co-parenting.  He then told her her daughter was never coming back.  The father, without consulting the mother, decided that it was no longer “safe” to live in the mother’s home (but the three other kids could).  Weeks before, the mother had been having arguments with her teen daughter about helping out around the house.  What should have been normal teenage developmental opportunities for learning about getting along, respect, contributing, and repercussions for behavior, turned into the loss of a relationship with her daughter because of the father’s egoic need to “rescue” his daughter while simultaneously getting back at his ex.  The mother never realized what parental alienation was until her therapist pointed it out to her.  Then things started falling into place.  There were derogatory texts on her daughter’s phone.  He would have the daughter call him so he could call the police when her mother took her children with her to her boyfriend’s house.   He interfered with the daughter’s therapy and had her stop even though it was court-mandated.  It’s taken a year, but the mother and daughter are finally at a point where they are in a good place, but time was lost.  Instead of focusing on the loss, the mother learned that she had to stay strong, forgive her daughter, and reach out to her daughter periodically to let her know she loved her.  In the meantime, she learned all she could about parental alienation.

How many parents are walking around out there afraid to give their children repercussions or chores, because they are afraid their exes will exploit this? How many kids make up stories so that they don’t have to go over to mom’s or dad’s because the other parent doesn’t make the child do any chores or they are unsupervised or they are spoiled?  How many children are made to feel guilty if they have a good time at another parent’s house?  How many children take care of their parent’s needs and feelings instead of their own?  How many children see their parents in black or white terms, this one’s better or I need to protect this one?  Worse, how many children feel they need to choose?

Parents are a unit.  They may not be together, but they both contribute to the well-being of a child.  Sabotaging a relationship with another parent—parental alignment—is akin to allowing a part of a child to die within them.  That other part is the targeted parent.  The alienated parent is really saying to the child, I reject the other parent, therefore, I reject that part of you.  The child may grow up to become depressed, suffer from low self-esteem, and most of all, suffer from the loss of an important relationship in their lives.  They are too young to understand the dynamics of this insidious type of abuse called Parental Alienation.

Whether an alienating parent contributes to the child’s behavior consciously or unconsciously, it is up to both parents to address the issue. However, because of the nature of the relationship, the child will naturally listen to the preferred parent. In my opinion, as with other experts in the field, it is emotional abuse to have a child align with another parent (assuming there is no domestic violence, abuse, or neglect). Children need both parents.  It is imperative, with the number of divorces occurring around the world, that people become educated about Parental Alienation.  It is abuse, it is the brainwashing of a child similar to a cult, and it is uncalled for.  It is meeting the needs of the alienating parent at the expense of the child and the targeted parent.  Parents do not set out to damage their children; they want the best for them.  Parental alienation damages children.  Being alienated from a parent with whom they once had a loving relationship with, damages a child for life unless they get the help they need.

References

Kloth-Zanard, J. (n.d.).  Parental alienation in older children.  Retrieved from parentalalienationawareness.com.

Mone, J. G. & Biringen, Z. (2006). Perceived parent-child alienation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 45(3), 131-156. Retrieved from www.informaworld.com.