Parents as Coaches | Transforming Family Relationships

Parental Alienation

Last Updated on Sunday, 13 November 2011 19:29 Written by Nicole Nenninger Tuesday, 28 June 2011 10:34

For all my education, friends, close colleagues and personal therapy, I can’t seem to find solace for the deep state of mourning I’m in. I’m grief-stricken, heartbroken at the loss of my daughter. My tears are too close to the surface and I’ve said for some time that for me it is worse than death. It is an unresolved, needless loss but the worst part isn’t even about me. I mourn for my daughter who will never again have her sense of delight in the world. (Warshak, 2010, para. 25). This comment was made by a distraught mother, a mother who was a child psychologist, and who mourned the loss of her daughter because of parental alienation.

My heart goes out to this woman and to the thousands of others who have been through or are going through parental alienation.  As part of my research for my advanced degree in psychology, I have spent thousands of hours researching andwriting about this controversial, important, and life-changing subject.  Parental alienation is a subject that I have personal as well as professional experience in.  As much as I am professionally interested in this topic and the effect it has on families, sometimes I find myself overwhelmed with feelings of anger, frustration, and sadness.  I would like to do more work in this area, but as someone who is naturally optimistic and happy, I find the topic brings up so many conflicted and unresolved feelings in me; uncomfortable feelings that are indicative of something near and dear to my heart.  Instead of dwelling on the dis-empowering thoughts and feelings that arise in me as I study the subject, I have focused my research on uncovering the reasons about how and why parental alienation occurs.  It has only recently come to the forefront of research, as professionals begin to take it seriously and recognize both the importance and the negative impact upon children who experience parental alienation.  I would like to be a part of the solution by helping to eradicate parental alienation.  This can be done by educating people about the signs and symptoms of alienation as well as enlightening others about what happens to our children and to the targeted parents when parental alienation occurs.

Let’s look at what parental alienation is. The concept of parental alienation originated from Wallerstein & Kelly’s work with divorcing families in the 1970’s. It was then that they identified a phenomenon known as “pathological alignment.” The term “parental alienation” was later coined by Richard Gardner in the mid-80’s to describe the act of one parent consciously or unconsciously turning a child against the other parent (Bow, Gould, & Flens, 2009).

The website for the Parental Alienation Awareness Organization defines parental alienation as:

Parental Alienation is the act of one parent deliberately undermining the relationship between the children and the other parent to the point of creating a hostile relationship and thus alienation of the children from the other parent. Another way to look at this is alienation of affection, which is one of the basic human needs discussed at length by Maslow in his Hierarchy of Needs. It is a serious form of psychological abuse, and it is very dangerous because it occurs internally and, thus, is harder to treat. Unlike physical abuse where the scars and wounds are on the outside, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is so deep inside that unlocking the key to it takes years of treatment and unconditional love (Kloth-Zanard, J., n.d., ¶ 1).

Their definition is more indicative of those who are suffering moderate to severe alienation.  Mild parental alienation is, surprisingly, fairly common following the break-up of parents.  As the ex-partners work out their feelings and grief about the loss of the relationship, the alienation tactics subside.  Many parents do not even realize they are doing anything wrong, but negative comments about the other parent in front of the child or within earshot, sabotaging parenting time, undermining the other parent and other behaviors all work to subtly “brainwash” a child into loyalty and alignment to one parent if the behaviors are not stopped.